"This is a Golden Sunrise carrot, in burnt orange with off-green foliage. Heritage. What do you think?"

"Very nice, Bateman," Bryce replies. "When did a dork like you get so tasteful?"

It's all going well, and then Van Patten places his carrot on the table. It's fucking magnificent.

"This," he says, "Is a Pioneer Ridge carrot, in deep ochre with leaves in a color called 'hazy forest.' The seed stock is heritage, and the planting was organic."

"Amazing," says Bryce. "This is the best carrot I've seen all day."

I can't believe Bryce prefers Van Patten's carrot to mine.