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example.com0 points · 0 comments · 11 years ago · anigbrowl
Listen very carefully to others. Maybe you will learn something, maybe they just confirm your initial impression. Often people speak to express their mood, not to convey information. Also, when people talk very passionately about their opinions of other people, they are often speaking indirectly about their feelings towards themselves.
Never interrupt. Never contradict, Never insult. These are low-value tactics in a verbal conflict. By not using them, you make it much harder for other people to use on you. If other people interrupt, contradict, or insult you, ignore it. By 'contradict' I mean don't say 'No, that's wrong...' Just say the correct thing and stop. So if someone says 'wheels are square, everybody knows that,' just say 'wheels are round,' and stop talking.
In general, it's a good idea to say as little as possible until the other person runs out of things to say, especially if they're angry.
Repeat what other people have told you. Ask simple questions, ideally with yes/no or very definite answers. It will be much easier to tell if the other person is lying. Also, ask questions that you already know the answer to, in order to get the other person to follow the direction you want in conversation. this is a technique trial lawyers use a lot.
When you use these techniques in an argument, it's like you step out of the way if someone tries to hit you. The other person swings his fist - you move aside. You can lead the person where you want to go by the way you move. They waste their energy expressing anger or saying foolish things. When you speak, you are very careful to say only things you are sure about.
Avoid trying to jump ahead of the conversation to guess what someone really means or what their secret motivation is or anything like that. Often such guesses are wrong, and in any case it often doesn't matter.
Smart people are never afraid to say 'I don't know' or 'I don't understand, please explain' or 'I'm confused about ______.' If you make a habit to be honest about this instead of pretending to understand something you don't, you'll find it's hard to for other people to lie to you.
meric
personjerry
I consider talking and socializing key skills in life, it's a shame schools don't have classes specifically for these things.
In addition to the parent comment, there are many books to supplement the development of one's communication skills. Some that I've read and found useful include The Definitive Book of Body Language and How To Win Friends And Influence People.
flashman
Repeat what other people have told you. Ask simple questions, ideally with yes/no or very definite answers.
and
Smart people are never afraid to say 'I don't know' or 'I don't understand, please explain' or 'I'm confused about ______.'
My general advice is that people like talking, and 'being able to hold a conversation' often just means 'make the other person feel good by keeping them talking.' If I've been talking for more than a minute I'll try to dump the focus on someone else.
patrickdavey
Do you mean if you're in mid-sentence and someone interrupts you that you should continue talking as if they had not interrupted? I have someone I have to deal with who does this a lot, and I really struggle with it. I have pointed out the interruptions, and need to do so again, but interested to hear your point of view (as I really liked your points above)
__Joker
PopeOfNope
Learn to control your own emotions.
THIS. When this topic comes up, you can read everything you want about tactics and take to heart the entirety of "How to make friends and influence people", but none of it means anything if you can't keep your cool. All the people you mentioned keep an air of amused mastery about them. Having an irrational confidence in yourself helps with that. It's like they're amused at the idea that any particular situation, person or statement could possibly make their martini taste bad.
carrotleads
Haven't been born with wit and so I make it a point to observe those who have it..
MichaelMoser123
If someone asks you if you enjoy looking at elephants in tutus and you reply with “no that’s stupid”. It really hinders the conversation and stops whatever momentum you have. If you don’t think it’s a really strong topic, try to accept what the person says and try to improve it. You can improve it by saying, “what about ninja’s in tutus? It would be a lot funnier to see them run around with pink tutus and trying to be stealth, don’t you think?
http://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/q19tp/improv_clas...
I don't think it's the best example, but the author isn't James Bond so I don't expect it to be.